“Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip… that started from this tropic port aboard this tiny ship”

Many of my generation will immediately recognize this timeless ballad introducing all connoisseurs of high culture to the asinine antics of Gilligan’s Island, a television show of the late 1960’s held in the highest esteem—America’s contribution to the mindless decline of Western civilization. I have watched every episode at least two hundred times.

But for the purposes of this essay, the ballad is the song of another fateful trip aboard another tiny ship. The trip I speak of is that fateful experiment of “government by the people” known loosely as democracy. The overarching premise is that people know what’s best for them and are rational to make good choices when it comes to policy and governance. The image is of an informed citizenry daily drinking from the fountains of knowledge, in pensive reflection, engaging in the marketplace of ideas, utilizing the Socratic method, logic, rhetoric, and wearing all-natural togas—activities vectoring to an objective and absolute truth of which we all agree. But the reality is more of a drunken public mob raving for gladiatorial games, more bread and more circuses.

And the tiny ship?

The British government, despite centuries of tradition to draw from, discovered once again why they remain one of the few monarchies left in Europe. A new 300 million (USD) sea-going research ship needed a name and, rather than draft one from Britain’s annals of human achievement, outsourced the task to the “wisdom of the crowd” also known as the Internet. The result was a name so august, so laudatory, so appropriate for a vessel venturing into the deep waters of scientific progress—a name so breathtaking, we christen and proclaim….

[Enter with Pomp and Circumstance, heraldry, cavalcade, prancing men in tights, pointy hats, pageantry]

“We christen thee in the name of the queen, St. George and St. Michael: the Royal Research Ship (RRS) Boaty McBoatface!”

That’s right, the elected name by a large margin was Boaty McBoatface. Boaty McBoatface! Fortunately, the organizers said no to the choice and have subsequently named the vessel RSS Sir David Attenborough for better or worse.  Of course in the “spirit of democracy” the mob petitioned the organizers to change it back—in the spirit of democracy. I don’t think they quite grasp the spirit of democracy.

If this were not enough to speak to the fact that democracy by an uninformed, pornographic mob is an unmitigated disaster we now bring you to the Republican and Democrat nominations of this election cycle. Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are the major party nominees. Is this the best we can do? Seriously? Can we have that monarchy back please?

Now there is always the write-in candidate and of course my choice will be none other than the valiant and stout Boaty McBoatface. 124,109 people can’t be wrong.

Or can they?