As an engineer, I look for solutions to problems, and the problem meriting my special attention is: what bathroom should one use? But rather than focus on the bathroom that men, women or transgender should select, I will focus on the real problem: the inadequacy of our tiled facilities.

The problem with the American public restroom is, well, publicity. Our traditional bathroom stall is protected by immodestly thin partitions with 1-2 feet of drafty clearance below, several head-popping feet above, a yawning gap in the door jamb, and little decorum. And with the urinal types of porcelain conveniences there is sometimes, we hope, a small “partition” no better than those used in documents to separate sections:

And nothing more impedes the easy flow of nature than strangers at each elbow trying to concentrate. No, No, NO! I want utter quiet, peace, isolation and PRIVACY conducive to relaxation and focus.

Personally, I like the European WC (watering closet) concept: a veritable built-in ROOM with thick walls that seal to the floor and flush to the ceiling; a heavy door with a contraption that, when turned, flips a red WARNING sign to the outside suggesting to the passerby that the toilet is fully, FULLY, occupied and made of material conducive to sound proofing. No need to jostle the door knob and alarm the occupant. No need to peek under the door to scrutinize shoes and a gather of clothing around some bare legs to determine in-use status. No need to stifle the natural noises of nature. In this design, the public restroom amounts to a public set of sinks and hand dryers. Brilliant.

Or how about the airplane version where the identity of the restroom takes on the identity of the occupant. Toilet, sink and mirror all in one unit. Replace every bathroom stall with one of these. Brilliant.

Now if the expense of modifying the bathrooms accordingly is too much for Target (but probably less expensive than all the money they are going to lose from a boycott), we can employ a simple algorithm:

• Is your business No. 01?
  • Whether or not you identify as a woman or a man, do you have a penis, naturally or by surgery?
    • • Use the men’s room. It has urinals.
    • • Use the ladies’ room. It does not have urinals, and you will need to be seated.
    • Is your business No. 02?
      • Please use the ladies’ room. I don’t want you fouling up the air in my bathroom.

So, if someone like Chaz Bono wants to use the men’s room—let him/her. Enhancement and hormones are enough of a price paid to join the exclusive club of males. But if someone like Bruce Jenner wants to use the ladies room, NO. He’s a man thinking he wants to be a woman with the fast option of changing back. In any case, regarding No. 02—always, always, always, the ladies room because I don’t want to smell your foul emanations.

Simple. Elegant. Agreeable. Problem solved.

Quite frankly the use of the bathroom as indiscrete as it is in America is still an in-and-out business. I don’t spend a lot of time socializing or looking at what the other occupants look like or identify as. Just get’ er (or get ‘im) done.

What bothers me about the transgender issue is not the bathroom; it’s the locker room. Personally, I don’t want to see anything that looks like an anatomical woman walking around naked in the men’s locker room. It’s unsettling. In fact, I don’t like to see anything that looks like an anatomical man walking around naked in the men’s locker room. It’s also unsettling. Mr. and Ms. Nudity need to cover up and stop parading around exhibiting their open-mindedness. And for eternity’s sake don’t talk to me. I need space to heal after accidently glimpsing your ugly, ugly, ass.

The unisex locker room it a natural extension of my bathroom solution—give everyone their small personal what-I-identify as locker room. If only it could be made cost-effective.  But I suspect everyone is going to cancel their gym membership or start to home school. The market may decide this one.